Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The "Kill My Toilet" Contest

Brace yourself: This is a weird one.
I have an old beast of a toilet that is in perfect shape but eats a ton of water. So the City of Calgary bribed me into buying a new one. One of the things I have to do to get my new toilet rebate is to "render my old toilet unusable."









The winner of this contest will get a prize package including:
* Use of my sledgehammer, my old toilet and my backyard to take out every frustration you can muster in the most porcelain-popping manner available.
* An Alexander Keith's beer (unless the winner is underage). I can't give this new blog the title it has and not include a beer in the first contest.
* A big Canadian flag sticker to show your toilet-attacking, beer-swilling patriotism (unless you’re of another nation, in which case you can use it to pretend you're a toilet-hating, beer-bathing Canuck).
* A really cool Darth Maul big headed view-master from the LA Airport Burger King (Just look through the hole in his ... err ... bottom region ... to see several Star Wars movie images. I'm afraid to speculate as to why they put the viewing hole in that position ... maybe it's a commentary on the quality of the prequels?)
* A piece of bubble rap to use if you still have stress left that the toilet smashing didn’t relieve. Hey, after all, isn’t it obvious that this contest is all about deep inner healing?

All you have to do to get a chance to win is to leave a comment on this post (by clicking comments below) and tell me why you want to kill my toilet. I'll subjectively pick a winner using every opinionated and unfair motivation I can muster.

14 comments:

markscott said...

What good is a 321 metre tall structure Called the 'Calgary Tower'if ya can't drop a toilet off it. Just a suggetion; however, it may fit with you plan to avoid incarceration.

Quill said...

I smell a family "Barbie" coming on the main attraction of course the fellowship and the burgers or what ever you prefer...road kill anyone...One blow the greatest number of peices get the prize brother...blessings as always Rob...Rolly

roomie said...

I think its sad. Its whole life all its done its take crap from everyone and now what's its reward? to be smashed for not taking crap GOOD enough. I say it should be enshrined in the living room next to the fireplace in a place of honour!!
Byron

Nicole said...

I nominate Byron to win the toilet-smashing award! Or toilet-enshrining award...

auntie Shannon said...

I want that bubble wrap...nay, need it. I can just feel the little controlled explosions in my hands. Oh bubble wrap. bubble wrap. bubble wrap. bubble wrap. bubble wrap. please. I don't have a bathtub. bubble wrap. pop pop pop. bubble wrap.

Nicole said...

Who's auntie shannon?

Rob Scott said...

Good banter folks ... keep it up and I think we'll have a us an ol' fashioned toilet masacre really soon.

Nicole, Auntie Shannon is just some sick, elderly junky man who just keeps coming back to this blog hoping for a fix (and who we occasionally ask to babysit our girls).
By the way, what's with this "nominating Byron" thing. This isn't a democracy ... don't make me blow a big China on your Dissidentastitasionism.

Nicole said...

Dissiden-wha?

Michelle said...

Well I'm not for nominating Byron, although the pun on the word 'crap' was rather inspirational. I should win this contest befcause I have a very special relationship with my toilet and I am not allowed to reduce it to rubble even though I would love to. My relationship involves rounds of toilet hugging vomit-fests because the little parasite I like to call my unborn child is doing a great job of sucking all the life out of me.If I had a sledgehammer I might be tempted to go after my own toilet so you should give me the opportunity to kill your before another toilet gets hurt.

Kirk said...

All of this violence... I think it would make a very nice flower pot - beside the fireplace. Peace brother.

Kirk

If I had a hammer... I'd hammer in the morning... I'd hammer in the evening... All over this land... But would I hammer in the backyard? Daffodils! That's the solution. Little trumpets from God to proclaim... peace... and love, and Bobby Sherman. There must be a more gentle way to appease the gods of city hall...

Michelle said...

Nah...smash the sucker!!!There can be not satisfaction in daffodils!!!Only smashing will satsify. Although, I womnder what the city would consider unusable??If it were on your roof as a rather eccentric deocrative sculpture-would that be unusable? How about if you cut it in half and stuccoed it to the side of the house? unusabel??I think so.

Rob Scott said...

I am so conflicted between Michelle's seriously disturbing labelling of her child as a "parasite" and Kirk's hippiesque pleas for peace that I'm tempted to award the prize to the two of them as a couple. But I'm not going to (yet) because I said the contest would stay open a bit longer. So let's try to push them off the trone folks (pun intended) and get a few more entries in.

Speaking of things that are disturbing and "If I Had a Hammer," have you ever heard Lenard Nimoy (AKA Spock) singing "If I Had A Hammer." I couldn't find a website that would let you have a free listen, so instead go to the following:
http://www.alteringtime.com/features/misc/?p=baggins
to see the incredibly disturbing Nimoy video of "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

Milton said...

Hi Rob,

As I've already won a sheep from Austrialia, I'm a bit reluctant to acutally enter to enter the contest - 'quit hogging the ball' and all that.

I do, however, love the idea of the toilet smashing and when Stacey talked about it this morning, I couldn't help thinking of seeing the toilet crushed by the massive weight of a plummeting forklift load at my brother-in-law's manufacturing business. The crushed remains could be loaded into a bag and returned to the City for final proof of the 'render inoperable' condition being met.

The Calgary tower idea is a great one too - just bribe the window washer guy and choose a safe landing spot...

Milton

Ruby Voigt said...

So whatever happened to the water closet?

Signed the plumbing specialist

They make great flower planters...